the gentle glow of lights and the distance between me and them

i feel my mood slowly falling.

just being in the living room and glancing at the xmas tree with its lights on... i haven't taken much time to even look at it this year. no time, no time, there are things to be done, one can't just sit and watch the xmas tree... nor have i baked any cookies. my mom used to make german gingerbread cookies before xmas, but even she hasn't done that for several years. there are things i want to do, and baking cookies seems inconsequential. why can't i take the time, slow down, and enjoy simple things anymore? why can't i just turn on some nice music, light a candle and turn out the lights, and enjoy it? without feeling like i'm wasting precious free time?

i am terrified that even at the end of 2 weeks vacation, i won't have gotten accomplished the few things i wanted to. this is the most time off i get at once all year - management would be highly negative about anyone taking more than 2 weeks at once, even if we had that much vacation to take. and some vacation is used up on trips, such as if i visit my dad or other relatives, or if i go to the beach with my mom as she is always beseeching me to do. So, if during this 2 weeks at home, i can't get done what i wanted to, how can i ever get it done??? how can i ever have the time?

i still yearn for summer vacations. 9 years without a real 3-month long summer vacation, and i'm still waiting for it. for that time off to recuperate. yet i'm afraid of what will happen if i just quit my job. i would get depressed. or rather, i would have the time to face my depression and feel it.

since it is vacation, i go to bed late, and get up late, after noon. sometimes not till 2pm. but then there isn't much daylight left. darkness comes. i need the sunlight to cheer me, and i miss most of it. but neither do i wish to forsake the night by going to bed early.

playing a recording of ocean surf along with various other music is often quite complementary and good sounding. soothing, depending on the music.

but i still feel fear. i can't take the time to start on that mobile, because it is art, and it can't be constrained by time. it could take much time to do. i only have till monday for everything i want to do. and making the mobile would be an accomplishment, but it wouldn't fulfill me. can anything fulfill me? if i start thinking down those lines, i will start feeling lonely and sorry for myself, and cry. which isn't necessarily bad. but... it's repetetive and pointless, and everything is pointless. what is my real issue? do i have one?

but back to looking at the xmas tree - i was looking at it, and realized that i am half-dead. i can see the beauty and recognize it, but i can't appreciate it. my brain still works but my heart is numb. nothing truly touches me. this isn't a new realization.
but it is saddening nonetheless.

if i were to do a personal ad

the only kind of person who might be interested in me
would probably be weird too.
why would any sane "normal" person
be interested in someone as pathetic as me?

not that a weird person being interested in me
would necessarily be a bad thing.
it would probably be preferable to sane normality.

whatever normality and weirdness are.

what i'm trying to say is...

the only kind of person who might be interested
in someone as socially shy & inept & unsocial & odd as me,
would have to be someone with social problems too.
since socially well-adjusted people
probably wouldn't consider
making the effort or wasting the time
of getting to know someone like me.

then again,
non-socially-well-adjusted people
would probably be even less likely or able
to get to know me,
since they would have problems similar to my own.

sigh.
it's hopeless.

...

31 yo genderqueer novice bottom/sub seeks genderqueer top/dom
for exploration of nonsexual BDSM experiences.

...

31 yo asocial asexual genderqueer novice bottom/sub
seeks genderqueer or gender-indifferent top/dom or switch
to explore BDSM with in a non-sexual manner.

yeah, that's the ticket!

except if i posted an ad like that
and if someone replied,
i'd be uncertain about what to do next and scared to do it.

for comfort,
one would need to get to know someone
before embarking upon a BDSM experience with them.
how would i do that,
when i've never been able to do it before?

for safety,
one's supposed to get references about a person
before embarking upon BDSM activities with them.
one's supposed to map out an agreed list
of do's and don't-do's and such.
how would i get that to happen?

what if decided i disliked the person
or couldn't become comfortable with them?
how could i accept that,
without convincing myself that i wouldn't be able
to become comfortable with anyone else either,
and therefore giving up on the whole idea?

ain't gonna happen, ain't gonna happen...

i'm too timid, too shy, too uncertain,
too uncomfortable interacting and communicating with people,
too convinced that it couldn't happen or wouldn't work.

i'm too pathetic.

gods, strike me down!!!
release this hopelessly pathetic wretch
from its pathetic, worthless existence!

...

31 yo good-hearted independent-minded liberal asocial asexual genderqueer novice bottom/sub
seeks
non-smoking liberal genderqueer or gender-indifferent top/dom or switch
to explore BDSM with in a non-sexual manner,
with the possibility of falling deeply in like with said person,
and if said person is not monogamously-married,
of perhaps entering into a relationship with them
where even sex might not be out of the question.