happiness/content/discontent...

I had some interesting thoughts last month on
happiness and such.

by that one definition,
enthusiasm, excitement, expectation...
it might seem that i am currently happy? odd, it doesn't really feel that way... i do feel those things right now, but in a muted fashion... surely it's not in my nature to admit to being truly excited about anything... and it can all come tumbling apart so easily... a few moments, a few days...

what to say?

i managed to go to the bdsm group orientation tonight without much ado.... but i was the only newcomer who showed up. out of 5 who had rsvp'd. i hate it when that kind of thing happens, being the only person for the presenters/speakers/guides/etc to focus on...

and i managed to not tell my mom exactly what kind of a group of people this was, who i was going to meet... just an online group...

if i could just say "it's a bdsm group," then it wouldn't be so bad. i could handle that. but she'd say "bdsm? what is that?" and i'd have to explain it. i really don't want to have to explain it to her. i know she's going to ask again eventually just what kind of group this is, if i go to munches or whatnot. maybe i'll just say it's just a generic online group for people in this area... although that would seem a lie, and i don't like to lie. evasion i can handle, but i don't like to lie. maybe i can email her a link to an informative site about bdsm. yeah, maybe.