goal for today

Be in bed by 2am. It's gotten to the point where being up past 3am feels normal to me, and I'd like to change that.

Also, do my taxes. Knowing me, this may interfere with the first goal. But to combat that, I'm telling myself right now that I should not stay up late for the taxes. Sleep is more important.

raised voice

When I happen to curse at something on the computer (etc.) while Zorro is nearby, it makes her get up and slink out of the room as if I'm scolding her. Even something innocuous like "Oh, dangit!". This is making me more cognizant of these outbursts.

turbulence

I've always known that the 1960s were a turbulent time with the Vietnam war and the Civil Rights movement going on. But I don't recall ever having heard before about the radical left-wing organization, the Weather Underground, and that they actually bombed places including the Pentagon. Reading about that, and about the Days of Rage riots, and about how Black Panther Fred Hampton was murdered by police, gives me more of a sense of just how unstable things must have felt back then.

I also find it interesting that to the best of my recall, my American History classes never mentioned the Haymarket Riot that happened in Chicago in 1886. I have much respect for the people back then who fought and struggled for labor rights and an 8-hour work day.

It also intrigued me that the leaflets from back then pictured on the Wikipedia page were written both in English and German. Even though I have German ancestry, I hadn't realized there was so much immigration from Germany to the U.S. even before the 1900s.

authoritarianism

I'm half-way through reading a PDF book, The Authoritarians. It's about the mindset of "right-wing authoritarian followers", the people who allow right-wing authoritarian leaders to gain and keep power. It's educational in that it puts into words many incomprehensible things that I've observed of some people, and tries to explain them.

I have a weird feeling like I'll get to the end of the book, and it will say "Now that you've read all this, if you believed it, that shows how gullible you are. This was all a psychological test.".

I was curious whether I myself would be pegged as an authoritarian follower or not. I am very rules-conscious. I dislike breaking rules. As a child, I recall breaking rules not feeling fun and exciting, but rather anxiety-inducing. In many cases I agree with the rules, such as vehicular speed limits, or with voluntarily declaring and paying use taxes on items I buy over the internet.

Yet if I disagree with a rule, I probably would break it. I don't consider myself likely to stand up to authority, yet I did in my own way when my company ordered everyone to work mandatory overtime.

The book mentions that children may end up different from their parents based on experiences during adolescence. If they broke rules and found it fun and exciting, that could reduce their respect for authority. If they broke rules and experienced trauma, that could increase their respect for authority. If their parents said certain groups of people were bad, but they became friends with people in those groups, that could reduce their respect for authority.

Based on the first survey in the book, my authoritarianism score is very low (24 out of 180). My religious fundamentalism score is the lowest possible (no surprise, considering that I'm agnostic).

In my case, I don't think I broke many rules as a kid*. But I grew up in a low-authoritarian and non-church-going family, so perhaps that influenced how I turned out. I don't view my dad as having been the "head of the family"; my parents seemed to have an equal relationship. But they separated early on, and I don't really remember much from when they were together. Neither of them seemed very strict or domineering.

*Maybe I did, but it was so early on that I don't remember well. Maybe I ignored rules that I felt were silly or which inhibited what I wanted to do. Did my parents ever tell me not to climb on the kitchen counters, or not to play in the woods? My mom made me wear dresses against my will; I suppose that may have reduced my respect for her authority.