darkoshi: (Default)
skipped lj for 2 days due to lack of time, now I'm a few pages behind... and still lacking time.

sort of figured out a mysterious performance problem at work... at least the what, if not the why. who would have expected that reading or writing a 5kb BLOB to the database would take ten times as long as either a 3kb or a 30kb BLOB? seems to be a weird SQL Server bug.

..

seeing men be tender with each other... being gentle and intimate with each other... makes me melt inside. why don't i have the same reaction when females are involved? why?

i don't have much, if any, desire to go to regular bars. but i just
realized that the idea of going to a gay bar sparks my interest.
like, i could do that? yeah, i could do that! but, what would i do
there? i'd feel out of place. like, what would my purpose there be?
what do people go to bars for - to drink alcohol and find people to
have sex with? i don't drink alcohol and am uncomfortable with the
idea of sex. what would i be doing there? i'd just be sitting, watching, thinking, feeling vaguely fine and vaguely uncomfortable,
and like normal, managing to be ignored by everyone else there.
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May 2026

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