the sensual feel of bones
Sunday, October 26th, 2003 04:46 pmthere's something slightly disturbing
about being so pleased
at being able to feel and see my own ribcage.
skin, muscle, bones.
strength.
a purity...
something very like what dylan was writing.
except that i'm pleased with where i am,
and don't think that becoming less would be even more pleasing.
i don't want to weigh less.
there's no need.
if i can see my bones now,
weighing even less would surely be a bad thing.
although i felt the same pleased with my body
when i did weigh ten pounds less.
a fact which makes my current pleased-ness seem suspect.
surely there's something vaguely disturbing
at being able to see the outline of one's bones?
and at being so pleased by it?
.
i might think i was still somewhat anorexic.
but anorexia, to me, isn't based on how much or how little one weighs,
but on mental obsession.
i don't have an obsession with food and calories anymore,
so i'm not anorexic.
certain thoughts and perceptions of mine,
haven't really changed, though.
i would hate to gain any weight.
being fat is one of the worst things i can imagine for myself.
i wouldn't be able to really like myself if i were fat.
and looking in the mirror, sometimes i look too fat,
but never too thin.
.
( more... )
.
so, here i am now,
a few pounds on the low side
of my rather-consistent weight for the last ten years.
and it feels so good being able to feel my ribs.
maybe having started jogging last year
has had this subtle effect on my body.
maybe it's made me leaner, more muscle, less fat.
i notice myself feeling good and attractive
when i go a bit below 105,
and fat and ugly when i go a bit above.
but is something still a bit screwed in my self-perception?
if i saw someone else's ribcage, would i think they looked good?
if i felt someone else's ribcage, would i think they were healthy and strong?
about being so pleased
at being able to feel and see my own ribcage.
skin, muscle, bones.
strength.
a purity...
something very like what dylan was writing.
except that i'm pleased with where i am,
and don't think that becoming less would be even more pleasing.
i don't want to weigh less.
there's no need.
if i can see my bones now,
weighing even less would surely be a bad thing.
although i felt the same pleased with my body
when i did weigh ten pounds less.
a fact which makes my current pleased-ness seem suspect.
surely there's something vaguely disturbing
at being able to see the outline of one's bones?
and at being so pleased by it?
.
i might think i was still somewhat anorexic.
but anorexia, to me, isn't based on how much or how little one weighs,
but on mental obsession.
i don't have an obsession with food and calories anymore,
so i'm not anorexic.
certain thoughts and perceptions of mine,
haven't really changed, though.
i would hate to gain any weight.
being fat is one of the worst things i can imagine for myself.
i wouldn't be able to really like myself if i were fat.
and looking in the mirror, sometimes i look too fat,
but never too thin.
.
( more... )
.
so, here i am now,
a few pounds on the low side
of my rather-consistent weight for the last ten years.
and it feels so good being able to feel my ribs.
maybe having started jogging last year
has had this subtle effect on my body.
maybe it's made me leaner, more muscle, less fat.
i notice myself feeling good and attractive
when i go a bit below 105,
and fat and ugly when i go a bit above.
but is something still a bit screwed in my self-perception?
if i saw someone else's ribcage, would i think they looked good?
if i felt someone else's ribcage, would i think they were healthy and strong?
body modify
Sunday, August 10th, 2003 12:21 amtoday is one of those days
that seriously makes me consider
looking into the technicalities of breast-removal surgery.
other days, i may think
what difference does it make,
an eternal minor annoyance to live with.
what difference does it make,
when i know who i am underneath it all.
what difference does it make,
since i'll never be with anyone else anyway.
maybe some annoyances you're just supposed to live with.
but this is my life.
why shouldn't i make it better?
i wasn't born in the wrong body.
i was born in the right one,
but then it grew wrong.
men get to have their foreskins
removed when they're still babies.
why shouldn't i have my breasts removed?
[okay. baby boys don't "get" to have them removed.
those that are, are altered without any say in the matter.]
i didn't have any say in the matter
of these breasts growing, either.
but i'm old enough to choose.
and we have the technology.
and if i ever become sexually active with a chap
(perish the thought! bloody damn unlikely at this point),
you betcha i'm gonna get them tubes tied, or whatever.
don't want to risk getting pregnant, no way, no.
heh. someone getting close to me,
and i say "hold on just a little while.
let me go have this surgery
and wait the x months til it heals.
then we can do it again."
but i'd have to find out that real sex was enjoyable
before doing something like that.
that seriously makes me consider
looking into the technicalities of breast-removal surgery.
other days, i may think
what difference does it make,
an eternal minor annoyance to live with.
what difference does it make,
when i know who i am underneath it all.
what difference does it make,
since i'll never be with anyone else anyway.
maybe some annoyances you're just supposed to live with.
but this is my life.
why shouldn't i make it better?
i wasn't born in the wrong body.
i was born in the right one,
but then it grew wrong.
men get to have their foreskins
removed when they're still babies.
why shouldn't i have my breasts removed?
[okay. baby boys don't "get" to have them removed.
those that are, are altered without any say in the matter.]
i didn't have any say in the matter
of these breasts growing, either.
but i'm old enough to choose.
and we have the technology.
and if i ever become sexually active with a chap
(perish the thought! bloody damn unlikely at this point),
you betcha i'm gonna get them tubes tied, or whatever.
don't want to risk getting pregnant, no way, no.
heh. someone getting close to me,
and i say "hold on just a little while.
let me go have this surgery
and wait the x months til it heals.
then we can do it again."
but i'd have to find out that real sex was enjoyable
before doing something like that.
nekkidniss
Friday, July 25th, 2003 01:44 pmInspired by
andrewducker's postings on nakedness...
I slept without wearing my pajama top last night. No big deal, really. It was comfortable (considering that it wasn't nearly as chilly as a few nights ago, when I had to close my window and pull my blanket over me in order to be warm enough... and this is the southern U.S. in the middle of summer... what gives?! but that's another topic).
This wasn't the first time I had slept topless - there was one previous time. I was curious then as to what it would feel like, as well as trying to get over a fear - something happened a few years ago which made me very nervous about the possibility of being suddenly awakened / intruded upon at night, and being unclothed in such a situation would make it even worse.
So, anyway, it was comfortable sleeping without a shirt on. And I don't think I would have any big issues with walking around my house topless either, if it weren't for other people being able to see me. And for the fact that when I look down, I don't like what I see.
But not wearing pants or underwear is a different issue. It would be... icky. Imagine having just used the toilet, and then sitting down on a chair. If you hadn't wiped your bum well enough, you could be transfering ick to the chair's surface! (Instead of confining it to your underwear.)
And if you're a female inconvenienced by the leakage of other bodily fluids... not wearing underwear seems quite ill-advised. (So, perhaps Ducker's "Ewww!" option does actually apply to me. Though I like to think that it's not due to prudishness, but rather squeamishess).
Anyway, as I was experiencing what it was like to walk around my house topless this morning, I noticed that I was very concerned about other people being able to look in the windows and see me. This made me think...
Why don't I want them to see me naked? Because of things that might go on in their head as a result of it... because they might start imagining me in sexual situations... because they might be crazy and might some day try to sexually assault me because of it...
So, basically, it's to keep other people from getting horny over me, and to protect myself. Which seems... not so different from what I've heard of moslem women who keep their whole bodies covered, in order to prevent men from having "impure" thoughts about them... Because the men can't help having those thoughts when they see uncovered skin, etc. And because exposing men to these thoughts is, if not an open invitation for them to act upon them, at least regarded as more of an invitation than when not exposing them to the thoughts in the first place.
So how much different are we in the West, from the Moslems, in regards to clothing? It seems to be just a matter of degree. Or is it just me?
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
I slept without wearing my pajama top last night. No big deal, really. It was comfortable (considering that it wasn't nearly as chilly as a few nights ago, when I had to close my window and pull my blanket over me in order to be warm enough... and this is the southern U.S. in the middle of summer... what gives?! but that's another topic).
This wasn't the first time I had slept topless - there was one previous time. I was curious then as to what it would feel like, as well as trying to get over a fear - something happened a few years ago which made me very nervous about the possibility of being suddenly awakened / intruded upon at night, and being unclothed in such a situation would make it even worse.
So, anyway, it was comfortable sleeping without a shirt on. And I don't think I would have any big issues with walking around my house topless either, if it weren't for other people being able to see me. And for the fact that when I look down, I don't like what I see.
But not wearing pants or underwear is a different issue. It would be... icky. Imagine having just used the toilet, and then sitting down on a chair. If you hadn't wiped your bum well enough, you could be transfering ick to the chair's surface! (Instead of confining it to your underwear.)
And if you're a female inconvenienced by the leakage of other bodily fluids... not wearing underwear seems quite ill-advised. (So, perhaps Ducker's "Ewww!" option does actually apply to me. Though I like to think that it's not due to prudishness, but rather squeamishess).
Anyway, as I was experiencing what it was like to walk around my house topless this morning, I noticed that I was very concerned about other people being able to look in the windows and see me. This made me think...
Why don't I want them to see me naked? Because of things that might go on in their head as a result of it... because they might start imagining me in sexual situations... because they might be crazy and might some day try to sexually assault me because of it...
So, basically, it's to keep other people from getting horny over me, and to protect myself. Which seems... not so different from what I've heard of moslem women who keep their whole bodies covered, in order to prevent men from having "impure" thoughts about them... Because the men can't help having those thoughts when they see uncovered skin, etc. And because exposing men to these thoughts is, if not an open invitation for them to act upon them, at least regarded as more of an invitation than when not exposing them to the thoughts in the first place.
So how much different are we in the West, from the Moslems, in regards to clothing? It seems to be just a matter of degree. Or is it just me?
interview thingy
Saturday, June 21st, 2003 12:43 am![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)