continuation of thought from reply posted elsewhere

when people disapprove of you... well, it's pretty bad, but at least you can react to it.

but when people just don't seem to care at all, positive or negative, it makes you feel like you're nothing. even though you know you're something. or you think you're something... you may as well be nothing.

and then, it makes more sense to act as if one is nothing, when dealing with other people, because it hurts less that way... at least when one is being nothing, it is logical for others to react to you as if you're not there. you don't have to feel hurt that they seem to ignore you... (even though that is most likely going in the wrong direction... perhaps one should venture further outside of one's shell instead of withdrawing deeper inside...)

talking to myself, a part of what I wrote in my diary this morning after thinking it

I was telling myself "I love you" but didn't get the reaction I was going for...

You love me? (accusing/disbelieving)
*Why* do you love me?
You're just saying that because you're stuck here with me!
Why don't you put me out of my misery?!...

... See! You don't love me, you want me to be dead!

[...]

Just because I want you to be dead, doesn't mean I don't love you... It is because I do.
I want your pain to end.
I want you to have a happier life, and if that cannot happen here, then death makes sense.
I do love you.
Of course I do!
We are the same person; you know it is the truth.

I love me, I hate me...
is there any difference?

When I think "I hate me", what does it mean...
That I hate my existence, that I hate what I'm feeling...
that I hate everything. And I am at the source/the center of everything, so hating myself is the easiest way to say that I hate everything and want it to end.
It doesn't mean I don't love my own self...
It doesn't mean I want to be a different person.
I am a fun, interesting person
with wonderful words and thoughts (sometimes, at least).
It just gets so boring... so alone...

I *need*. And that kind of relationship is what I need.
Any other would not suffice.
When I cannot envision obtaining this, what I need, here,
then I want to die,
because perhaps in death I will find it.
Or perhaps in death, the need will disappear along with me.

But. At least this has given me hope.
That I might find what I need, here.
After all this time... something, finally. Someone, finally.
Who makes me *feel*. Even if he isn't going to touch me...