more vids

I was able to get my flogger vid to upload, after converting its format:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eq_74aEpAik

Also recorded a couple short vids this evening of just of me talking, not that I have much of anything to say, but I wanted to upload something other than me dancing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJAifh3LfdU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mAOcNhWAn0


I have started reading a book, "What Becomes You", written by a friend of someone on my LJ friends list. So far, I have been relating with much of the author's description of their childhood. When I was a kid, I didn't really expect to grow up to be a woman... I don't remember what I expected, but...

Well actually I do remember one imagination I had when I was a kid, it was of me trying to order food at a fast food restaurant for a bunch of kids (mine, I suppose) including at least one set of identical twins, and trying to make sure that each kid was given a choice as to what they wanted to get (and how complicated that was)... although part of this imagination, perhaps the more significant part, was of me being one of those blond-haired twins.

So, if I partially imagined myself as the mother (?) of those kids, does that mean I imagined myself as a woman? I don't remember. Maybe I imagined I had adopted them. Or maybe I wasn't ever the adult in this imagination, maybe I was always one of the kids... memory is so subjective and uncertain, sigh.

Then, there was another imagination, of me as an adult in a house. It was next to a cornfield. I was a farmer, and grew corn. And there was another imagination, of me being a postman... postal carrier.. delivering mail. These imaginations were part of trying to figure out what job I might possibly want to do when I grew up, since adults had to have jobs.

(no subject)

I reinstalled XP SP2, but Windows Movie Maker still locks up when saving a recorded file. The file gets saved, but WMM stays locked up until I reboot; trying to kill the process has no effect. It used to work; something between now and June of last year broke it. I had already tried a couple of other things, but that did not fix it either. Using the QuickCam software is difficult, as it saves vids as very large avi files, which I then need to open in WMM and convert them anyway.

I had thought of things to talk about, too, in a video. Not that I couldn't write them just as well or even better, but maybe some people would prefer watching and hearing me talk instead of reading text. I generally prefer reading - it's faster; but it is also sometimes nice watching a person and hearing their voice and seeing how they look and how they move.

But this seems to happen fairly often when I feel excited about recording or editing vids or audio... the technology does not cooperate. Excitement fades into frustration. And after a while it doesn't seem to matter anymore, because I know even if I had been able to do what I looked forward to doing, it wouldn't have made much difference.

So I post some vids; so a few people watch them. Does it make a difference? So I post some vids and they get hundreds, thousands even, of hits. Does it make a difference? So I post a vid where my chest is bare; do people see me as I see me? No, they just see breasts, which titillates them. Does that make a difference? Perhaps one in a thousand or ten thousand people would come close to seeing me as I see me.. but even if some of those few people watched my vid, would it make a difference?

I doubt it.

.

Supposing there is some supernatural being purposely causing me frustration, what would be its purpose? To get me to notice it, because nothing else has caused me to notice it? But why would it want me to notice it? Why? What does it have to offer me? And if it had something to offer me, why wouldn't it just come right out and say so, instead of resorting to unfathomable bother?

Eh.