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(good) memories. part 1.
Sunday, July 4th, 2010 01:20 amDo you have memories that you consider "good"? Memories of times when you felt great, or happy, or when the world seemed exciting and colorful? Memories of times when the future seemed to offer further fun and excitement? How many memories like that do you have? Does thinking of those memories make you feel good now too?
.
Memories that at some point seemed good to me.
On Mallorca, walking and climbing out on the rocky lava-like outcropping towards the ocean. Hearing the ocean all around, roaring and rising and falling. With the sun shining and wind blowing. (Magic... stories... accompanying me in my mind) 2 distinct memories like that, different locations and trips, but otherwise similar. One time Forestfen was with me, the other time either Forestfen or my aunt was, I don't remember who... in both cases, they were distractions to me, pulling me away from the magical and back into the mundane. I preferred to be alone with my fantasies.
In the woods behind my apartment house in Munich, walking or running carelessly along the path, and being startled by my older brother and a group of his friends, who seemed to step out of nowhere, surrounding me in a narrowing circle. They must have been playing a game of stealth, hiding behind the trees and waiting to surprise me. It gave me a shivery/tingly feeling, as if I was being hunted/chased, as if I was a hero or on some quest, and an enemy wanted to capture me. It was creepy too; I pushed through the circle of boys and escaped. I'm not quite sure if this really happened, or if I dreamt it when I was a kid and kept the memory ever since.
The Empire Strikes Back. I *was* Luke. I had powers. Darth Vader was *evil* and wanted me to join him. There was magic and light and the depths of space.
The school trip to Egypt and Israel in the 7th grade. I kept mementos from that trip for so long, that I must have associated good/poignant memories with it. I had a mild crush on our tour-guide. He was Israeli, foreign, and had sparkling eyes. He was the leader, and I was one of the followers. He told us what to do. At one point during the trip, he noted my interest in the Hebrew alphabet and words, and he swiftly wrote a short phrase in Hebrew on a piece of paper for me. I treasured it; that was his only personal interaction with me but it felt special. Other memories from the trip were ambivalent; I remember being sad and possibly even crying while alone in a hotel room, while the other kids were socializing together. I remember one boy talking to me... I don't remember what he said, but it was something about me being sad or staying to myself and how I shouldn't do that... The mere fact that he talked to me seemed special and unusual, although I didn't know how to respond to what he said. Overall, it was a good trip. There was magic in the air; life was magic back then. Egyptian mythology and history, and ancient ruins were part of the magic.
Walking on a trail through deep woods near some mountain lake with ForestFen and Bro. I found a smooth gray stone that was vaguely shaped like an arrow-head, which became one of my treasures. Walking through forests, I was a ranger/"Indian"/(or whatever the word may be for that feeling of skillful knowledgeable self). I was in an alternate reality.
.
Memories don't seem good or special anymore, because the feeling of magic is gone. I don't remember being happy; I can only think back and wonder if I felt happy in the past or not. But I do remember feeling magic, or at least being able to imagine a magical existence, and that made things seem exciting. Life had possibilities; the stories could come true for me some day; *I* would learn magic; I would be an apprentice to a wizard, or would somehow break through to an alternate reality were magic was real, and where someone like Darth Vader would interact with me.
Or maybe I was never happy with real life; maybe I escaped into fantasy. Books and fantasies were the real, exciting world. Maybe the only particularly good experiences I felt were ones where I was superimposing a fantasy onto the real world.
But the magic is gone. It is fiction. It does not seem real or believable anymore. Even if there were a Darth Vader wanting me to join the dark side, so what? And if I did, then what? Or if I didn't, then what? WHAT? Where is the magic? Where is the purpose, where is the reason for doing anything?
.
I think the interactions with Wododu, and that one other dom, and Qiao early on, were good because I was fantasizing then too. But I was doing it with a *real* person, and they were *interacting* with me, and I started hoping that real life could actually possibly be amazing like a fantasy could, or even better! Except it wasn't real. It was just in my head. Thinking back on those experiences makes me awfully sad now, if I let it. Awfully sad from the disappointment, or not bothering to feel any emotion over it.
.
Memories that at some point seemed good to me.
On Mallorca, walking and climbing out on the rocky lava-like outcropping towards the ocean. Hearing the ocean all around, roaring and rising and falling. With the sun shining and wind blowing. (Magic... stories... accompanying me in my mind) 2 distinct memories like that, different locations and trips, but otherwise similar. One time Forestfen was with me, the other time either Forestfen or my aunt was, I don't remember who... in both cases, they were distractions to me, pulling me away from the magical and back into the mundane. I preferred to be alone with my fantasies.
In the woods behind my apartment house in Munich, walking or running carelessly along the path, and being startled by my older brother and a group of his friends, who seemed to step out of nowhere, surrounding me in a narrowing circle. They must have been playing a game of stealth, hiding behind the trees and waiting to surprise me. It gave me a shivery/tingly feeling, as if I was being hunted/chased, as if I was a hero or on some quest, and an enemy wanted to capture me. It was creepy too; I pushed through the circle of boys and escaped. I'm not quite sure if this really happened, or if I dreamt it when I was a kid and kept the memory ever since.
The Empire Strikes Back. I *was* Luke. I had powers. Darth Vader was *evil* and wanted me to join him. There was magic and light and the depths of space.
The school trip to Egypt and Israel in the 7th grade. I kept mementos from that trip for so long, that I must have associated good/poignant memories with it. I had a mild crush on our tour-guide. He was Israeli, foreign, and had sparkling eyes. He was the leader, and I was one of the followers. He told us what to do. At one point during the trip, he noted my interest in the Hebrew alphabet and words, and he swiftly wrote a short phrase in Hebrew on a piece of paper for me. I treasured it; that was his only personal interaction with me but it felt special. Other memories from the trip were ambivalent; I remember being sad and possibly even crying while alone in a hotel room, while the other kids were socializing together. I remember one boy talking to me... I don't remember what he said, but it was something about me being sad or staying to myself and how I shouldn't do that... The mere fact that he talked to me seemed special and unusual, although I didn't know how to respond to what he said. Overall, it was a good trip. There was magic in the air; life was magic back then. Egyptian mythology and history, and ancient ruins were part of the magic.
Walking on a trail through deep woods near some mountain lake with ForestFen and Bro. I found a smooth gray stone that was vaguely shaped like an arrow-head, which became one of my treasures. Walking through forests, I was a ranger/"Indian"/(or whatever the word may be for that feeling of skillful knowledgeable self). I was in an alternate reality.
.
Memories don't seem good or special anymore, because the feeling of magic is gone. I don't remember being happy; I can only think back and wonder if I felt happy in the past or not. But I do remember feeling magic, or at least being able to imagine a magical existence, and that made things seem exciting. Life had possibilities; the stories could come true for me some day; *I* would learn magic; I would be an apprentice to a wizard, or would somehow break through to an alternate reality were magic was real, and where someone like Darth Vader would interact with me.
Or maybe I was never happy with real life; maybe I escaped into fantasy. Books and fantasies were the real, exciting world. Maybe the only particularly good experiences I felt were ones where I was superimposing a fantasy onto the real world.
But the magic is gone. It is fiction. It does not seem real or believable anymore. Even if there were a Darth Vader wanting me to join the dark side, so what? And if I did, then what? Or if I didn't, then what? WHAT? Where is the magic? Where is the purpose, where is the reason for doing anything?
.
I think the interactions with Wododu, and that one other dom, and Qiao early on, were good because I was fantasizing then too. But I was doing it with a *real* person, and they were *interacting* with me, and I started hoping that real life could actually possibly be amazing like a fantasy could, or even better! Except it wasn't real. It was just in my head. Thinking back on those experiences makes me awfully sad now, if I let it. Awfully sad from the disappointment, or not bothering to feel any emotion over it.