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Saturday, September 17th, 2005
D/s, real-life, relationships, personas
Saturday, September 17th, 2005 11:21 amIt seems like most people in D/s relationships have a 24/7 master/slave type thing going on. That's all people seem to ever talk about. Either that, or people who just mostly enjoy topping or bottoming, who mainly enjoy the physical play. And when people talk about being submissive, or about being a sub, it seems like the viewpoints expressed are always about how the sub's main duty and desire is, or should be, to obey and please their dom. That the sub gets their enjoyment from pleasing the dom, and/or from being taken care of and not needing to be in charge, trusting the dom enough to let the dom make all the decisions, etc.
Maybe I have different personas, different aspects to my personality. One of my personas may well desire to be an obedient sub, and to please a dom... A childish persona, perhaps. Sometimes thinking about this can be sexually arousing. And sometimes it can be comforting, thinking of having someone else in charge of everything. But I can't envision being that person all of the time. It disturbs me, thinking of letting someone else be in charge of everything in my life... of always being obedient... of being a soft, passive person like that, handing everything over to someone else... I can't imagine anyone being so very compatible with me that I would agree with or enjoy everything they did; don't think I could like or trust anyone totally like that; so the idea of being completely submissive to someone, all the time, becomes repugnant, because I'd be doing things for someone whose interests and desires I can't envision being the same as my own.
Maybe one of my personas is an independent-type person who wants to make my own choices, and not submit. I don't get any sexual charge from this; it just seems practical and convenient. And dignified. And I get to do what I want. And to feel strong and adult-like. There is an aesthetic ideal to being strong and independent. A warrior persona perhaps.
And maybe one of my personas wants to be under someone else's control, but doesn't want to give in willingly, but wants to be forced. A rebel persona, perhaps, or a combination of the child and the warrior. This is the state of mind I tend to feel when having elaborate fantasies. This tends to be what most arouses me. It doesn't have much to do with real-life situations, at all.
I don't know what kind of a real-life D/s relationship I would enjoy. I don't think I would enjoy being willingly submissive to someone 24/7. I don't think I would enjoy letting someone else be in charge all the time (even though that can be arousing to fantasize about... yet fantasies, by their nature, are an occasional thing, not 24/7, even when the fantasy is about it being 24/7.)
The main desire I have for being in a relationship, seems to be for being able to feel those sexual feelings... those fun, exciting, giggly, good feelings. Of course, I'd also like to have someone important to me, whom I liked, and who liked me, to share my life with, too... but I don't think that I'd really have much desire to spend time with someone like that, unless they made me feel those special feelings in the first place. Otherwise I would get bored eventually, and why bother being with someone else when it's easier and more convenient to be alone?
Yet the thought of only being submissive to someone at certain times, like for play-sessions, like being more of a top and bottom as opposed to a dom and sub, doesn't seem to have very much sexual charge for me. In real-life a dom can't really FORCE the sub to do things... the sub has to willingly comply... otherwise it isn't really a D/s relationship but instead an abusive one... and I don't fantasize about really being forced to do things in real-life, completely against my will...
So how can I express my most sexual persona, the one that gets aroused from the idea of being forced to submit, as well as my other personas, in real-life? I just don't see much possibility for it. Other doms and subs seem to have a disdain for people who call themselves submissive, but who need to be forced into submitting. They seem to all think the joy should come from the submission itself... Being disobedient or rebellious is viewed as a bad thing, and as a sign that you aren't really submissive. And I can understand doms being put off by the idea of a disobedient, rebellious sub. And I can't really imagine being very disobedient or rebellious in real-life, because if I had a dom, I would want to please them, and would feel bad from displeasing them.
Anyway. What I mean is that I just don't feel much optimism for finding a satisfying relationship with anyone. Even the people in the BDSM groups I have met or read about, seem for the most part, very different from me. And it gets depressing and annoying, and sometimes boring, going to meetings and reading postings, and having everyone seem to be so very different from me. And after the meetings, I often wonder if I shouldn't go anymore... there doesn't seem to be any point to it, not even taking into account the bad feelings I get from my being so unsociable at the meetings. But then when the next meeting comes along, I feel like I might as well go, since not going won't gain me anything either. Perhaps I still have some stupid optimistic hope that hasn't been totally crushed yet.
So those are just some of my confused meandering thoughts.
Maybe I have different personas, different aspects to my personality. One of my personas may well desire to be an obedient sub, and to please a dom... A childish persona, perhaps. Sometimes thinking about this can be sexually arousing. And sometimes it can be comforting, thinking of having someone else in charge of everything. But I can't envision being that person all of the time. It disturbs me, thinking of letting someone else be in charge of everything in my life... of always being obedient... of being a soft, passive person like that, handing everything over to someone else... I can't imagine anyone being so very compatible with me that I would agree with or enjoy everything they did; don't think I could like or trust anyone totally like that; so the idea of being completely submissive to someone, all the time, becomes repugnant, because I'd be doing things for someone whose interests and desires I can't envision being the same as my own.
Maybe one of my personas is an independent-type person who wants to make my own choices, and not submit. I don't get any sexual charge from this; it just seems practical and convenient. And dignified. And I get to do what I want. And to feel strong and adult-like. There is an aesthetic ideal to being strong and independent. A warrior persona perhaps.
And maybe one of my personas wants to be under someone else's control, but doesn't want to give in willingly, but wants to be forced. A rebel persona, perhaps, or a combination of the child and the warrior. This is the state of mind I tend to feel when having elaborate fantasies. This tends to be what most arouses me. It doesn't have much to do with real-life situations, at all.
I don't know what kind of a real-life D/s relationship I would enjoy. I don't think I would enjoy being willingly submissive to someone 24/7. I don't think I would enjoy letting someone else be in charge all the time (even though that can be arousing to fantasize about... yet fantasies, by their nature, are an occasional thing, not 24/7, even when the fantasy is about it being 24/7.)
The main desire I have for being in a relationship, seems to be for being able to feel those sexual feelings... those fun, exciting, giggly, good feelings. Of course, I'd also like to have someone important to me, whom I liked, and who liked me, to share my life with, too... but I don't think that I'd really have much desire to spend time with someone like that, unless they made me feel those special feelings in the first place. Otherwise I would get bored eventually, and why bother being with someone else when it's easier and more convenient to be alone?
Yet the thought of only being submissive to someone at certain times, like for play-sessions, like being more of a top and bottom as opposed to a dom and sub, doesn't seem to have very much sexual charge for me. In real-life a dom can't really FORCE the sub to do things... the sub has to willingly comply... otherwise it isn't really a D/s relationship but instead an abusive one... and I don't fantasize about really being forced to do things in real-life, completely against my will...
So how can I express my most sexual persona, the one that gets aroused from the idea of being forced to submit, as well as my other personas, in real-life? I just don't see much possibility for it. Other doms and subs seem to have a disdain for people who call themselves submissive, but who need to be forced into submitting. They seem to all think the joy should come from the submission itself... Being disobedient or rebellious is viewed as a bad thing, and as a sign that you aren't really submissive. And I can understand doms being put off by the idea of a disobedient, rebellious sub. And I can't really imagine being very disobedient or rebellious in real-life, because if I had a dom, I would want to please them, and would feel bad from displeasing them.
Anyway. What I mean is that I just don't feel much optimism for finding a satisfying relationship with anyone. Even the people in the BDSM groups I have met or read about, seem for the most part, very different from me. And it gets depressing and annoying, and sometimes boring, going to meetings and reading postings, and having everyone seem to be so very different from me. And after the meetings, I often wonder if I shouldn't go anymore... there doesn't seem to be any point to it, not even taking into account the bad feelings I get from my being so unsociable at the meetings. But then when the next meeting comes along, I feel like I might as well go, since not going won't gain me anything either. Perhaps I still have some stupid optimistic hope that hasn't been totally crushed yet.
So those are just some of my confused meandering thoughts.