darkoshi

My hands got stained purple while I was rinsing out the hair dye in the shower. I had to scrub them to get most of the color off. Next time I should remember to keep gloves on until most of the color has been rinsed out. And to put a lot of vaseline on my entire neck before the whole process.

But it made me wonder if I could dye my fingernails a dark color using hair dye. If the hair-dye is non-toxic, anyway.

In the middle-school I attended in Wiesbaden, there was a fad one year amongst the kids to paint on their fingernails and hands using a certain brand of permanent markers... it was a thick ink, possibly metallic. I thought it was a neat thing to do, even though I never did it myself. I wonder if that was a popular fad in the states too? It didn't last for very long, as eventually the school officials and/or parents got worried about the toxic chemicals which might get absorbed into the students' bodies from the permanent marker ink.

Nikinje Jones. Tammy Ruda. Shauna and Shelly Acker(man?). Mrs. Barr. I still remember some names from back then. I wonder what I'll find if I look them up on the internet.

The science courses were split into 2 tracks in that school. The physical sciences were taught in a hands-on, small-teams, doing experiments, at-your-own-pace kind of way, while the life sciences were taught in a formal/regular teacher-led way. I have the impression that the "smart" kids were "supposed" to choose the physical science classes, because my teachers were surprised when, after the first year in the physical science class, I was insistent on wanting to transfer over to the life science class instead.

My problem with the physical science class wasn't the subject nor even that I was forced to work together with a team of 3 or 4 other students while doing the experiments. (Students who would waste time chatting about non-science topics and painting their nails with permanent markers instead of doing the class-work, and at least one of whom who pestered me until I finally let them take my workbook home with them so that they could copy all my answers and get credit for the material).

My problem was that after each section in the workbook, you were supposed to have the teacher check and grade your answers. But the teacher was always busy with other students, and there was no set way to get a turn with her. So I'd end up completing the work in 5 or 10 minutes, and then spending the rest of the class period agonizing over when to get up and approach the teacher; you weren't supposed to stand next to the teacher's desk waiting, as that could take ages, and you'd feel silly and awkward while doing so, and there was no process for indicating to the teacher that you were ready, other than possibly yelling out across the classroom which I was not wont to do, or sitting there with your hand raised for what seemed like eons. I hated it. I eventually stopped waiting for the teacher to check my work, and went on ahead and finished the whole workbook on my own. Then I got transferred to the life science class where it felt nice and homey, where the teacher had nice chats while all the students listened, and where my only problem was with being embarrassed by the growth of outward-projecting blobs on my chest.

I should have known that a stranger walking by wouldn't be engaging in casual conversation with me just to be polite or friendly.

I was raking outside the fence, and a not-unpleasant-looking guy walking down the street said hi and something else to me (don't remember, must have been about raking) and instead of replying in my usual curt manner, I decided to be friendly and mentioned good-naturedly about how I had been intending to rake inside the yard, but that I got carried away with doing the outside part. Next thing I know, I've agreed to pay him $7 to quickly do the inside part (only one corner of the yard; the whole yard didn't need raking). He was supposed to finish the small rest of the outside part too, but I'm not sure if he did. It was too dark by then to see well. He had said he wanted the money for cab fare to get back home from his job where he was walking from.

The reason I got talked into it instead of simply saying "no thanks, I prefer to do my raking myself", is that I've occasionally considered that it wouldn't be a bad thing to pay other people to do some raking, when I'm tired or busy with other stuff. They get money that they need, I get some extra time... But that wasn't taking into consideration how uncomfortable it makes me feel to have a stranger in my yard, and having to pay them, and feeling that they're trying to take advantage of me, and having to keep an eye on them (non-obtrusively) to make sure they're doing the job as opposed to being up to no good. I mean really, if I feel that I have to keep an eye on them, that doesn't free up any extra time for myself anyway.

He even did try to talk the price up. I didn't put up with that and said that no, I'd just do it myself if he wanted more money. So he did it for the original price.

But no. Next time I'll stick to my guns and not get talked into paying someone else to do what I was planning on doing myself.

You know why I don't like dogs and pets and kids, besides the fact that they are loud and hyper and make messes? Because they don't respect me. They don't like me. They hate me. Even a stupid little puppy just wants to bite me and tear up my clothing and it doesn't matter if I talk calmly or in a low voice or exclaim loudly, or put it in the chill position, he or she or it just keeps doing it and makes me feel like a horrible person because my only recourse is to yell or become violent and keep throwing him away from me until I hurt him which is not an option, or to lock him up or chain him up and ignore him or her. I should start biting him back is what I should do, if only I could do it without her biting me in the face.

Online Cambridge Face Memory Test

I got 89% correct (64 out of 72), and it says the average is 80%. That surprises me. I still think I'm rather below average at recognizing people, though; maybe it is due to something other than facial detection skills. Obviously, real life isn't like a test where there are only 6 faces to remember. And remembering faces for a few minutes is different than remembering them over days, weeks, and years. And remembering names to go along with the faces is a whole 'nother issue. Part of my problem is probably that I don't feel comfortable staring at people (it doesn't seem polite or normal, even though I guess normal people do it more than me), so I don't get a good visualization of what someone looks like until I've interacted with them lots of times. That's why it helps me to try to pick out distinguishing features when I meet someone, and write them down as notes.

Famous Faces Test
I got 85% right on this one (23 out of 27 I was familiar with), and 85% is the average. I even remembered a lot of the names, maybe 3/4 of them.

I feel uncomfortable watching/listening to other people's vlogs when someone else is in the same room. Not any videos, just vlog-type ones where someone is talking about their life. I feel similarly uncomfortable trying to write about personal things when someone is nearby, apt to come over and hover by my shoulder.

I'm not sure why I feel that way, when I'm not as uncomfortable with said persons watching those same vlogs on their own, or with them reading my journal entries after I've finished writing them.

FF is staying at my place for a few days while the redone floor in her house dries. She's got her stuff scattered all over the house, and filling up my fridge too. It bugs me, unreasonably. (It's *my* house. I don't want *other* people's stuff messing up my house, filling up *my* fridge...)

I put up a towel rack on one of the bedroom doors. The inside doors are hollow, which makes putting screws in them difficult. I use molly bolts. They are good when they work right, but it's bad when they don't, because then you can't get them out, and then you've got a hole you can't use (which, depending on what you're installing, can mess everything up). This is the best method I've figured out so far for using molly bolts (today, I got 3 molly bolts in well, and the 4th was botched, but luckily still holds well enough).

drill hole with my largest drill bit

widen hole a bit with metal file, so that molly bolt will fit through

grasp the molly bolt with a pair of locking pliers. My plier's gripping edges have lengthwise slits, in which the top part of the bolt (the part which ends up rimming the outside of the hole) fits well. Place the rim in one of the slits closest to the outer edge and slowly squeeze the pliers into a lock around the bolt. Sometimes the metal rim bends at this point; if it is only slightly bent, it's still ok. But make sure the tines are still straight.

push bolt through hole as far as it goes, with pliers flat against the door surface. This way you can hold the bolt steady when turning the screw. Otherwise, the bolt tends to turn, and the little tines scratch up the wood surface.

while holding onto the pliers with one hand, screw in the screw with the other. The screwing action pulls the part of the bolt inside the door towards the door. Keep screwing until you feel the inside metal scratching against the inside surface of the door.. keep screwing until you feel a strong resistance.

at that point, remove the pliers from the bolt, and continue screwing the screw until the outer rim of the bolt is flat against the door's surface. If the previous step went well, this step should go easily.

then you can remove the screw, put up whatever item you are putting up, and reinsert the screw.

Today, with the 4th bolt, I must not have turned the screw far enough before I took the pliers off - it was too loose and still turned when I tried to finish screwing it in; the little tines got bent and scratched up the wood around the hole. And then the metal rim broke away from the rest of the bolt inside the door. At that point, I could have pushed the inside part in and started over, but I didn't since it was still holding the screw well enough.

I tried calling one of my aunts in Germany, but except for a few words, she couldn't hear me. FF had been able to call her and speak to her last week. Why is it that even when I'm speaking in my loudest voice right into the phone, I'm not audible? Why is it that I always seem to have the bad handset, no matter which one I use? How can it be that people don't hear me, even when I'm yelling? Why did it used to be, that I could be on one handset, and not be heard, yet FF, on another handset was heard just fine? Why is FF's loud voice so much louder than my loud voice?

Oh well. Guess I won't be able to speak to her again, unless I visit in person. I guess FF used to do most of the talking anyway... actually, the aunt did a whole lot of the talking too. In person, you can just nod your head and mutter appropriately, and the other person doesn't really need to be able to hear you.

Current Mood: disappointed

Video of me talking, actually talking this time, about my chest and breasts. The talk starts a couple minutes into the vid though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQ6VgnICf4I

I took that with my camera, and then whoa, when I was going to transfer it to my computer, saw that the ten minute vid was half a gigabyte in size! So I used Q's computer to reduce its size before uploading it to youtube.

I wonder how audible my speech is to other people; listening to the vids there are even some parts where it is hard for me to make out the words. Hmmm perhaps in the future I could consciously try to enunciate more clearly. Ooh boy, thinking of what to say, and how to say it, at the same time.

At least I didn't have too much of a problem with the technology today, although for the 500Mb file, I had to transfer it using a memory card reader, since when I tried to do it directly from the camera, it seemed to lock up. That's one nifty camera though; it doesn't have any problems saving and playing a file that large!

I usually don't miss people, if I know I will see them again. Is this because I don't feel strong attachments to them? I don't know. It's only when I know I will never see them again, or when I know things will likely never be the same again, that I'm likely to feel sad. Otherwise, I can think about the persons who are not there and feel good... what is there to miss? They are still there, in my mind.

It's awkward though, when other people tell me they miss me, because I can't truthfully reply that I miss them too.

Maybe it's just one of those things people say, without really meaning it, like "How are you?".

What is wrong with me, in that I spend a large amount of time thinking about how I will deal with this furniture which is too heavy for me to move on my own, formulating schemes of how, perhaps, it might be possible to move it, if I build some kind of inclined ramp, or if I unscrew the cabinet door from the rest of the piece, or if I wrap around it with rope for me to get some kind of grip on it, or perhaps some kind of pulley-system...

When the obviously easiest way to move it, is to enlist someone else's help? I have someone else's help for now, but what about later? What if I'm on my own, and I want to move the furniture, and I don't have anyone to go to for help? What if I really don't want to ask a favor of anyone?

One of the reasons I even chose these pieces of furniture, is that they come in a bottom part and a top part. I figured that would be easier to transport and move, than a single piece. But the top part is still quite heavy. And it has to be lifted up on *top* the other part.

I wish they made light, nice furniture. Furniture which you can disassemble in order to move it.

But it is all because of some kind of social phobia, a fear of being dependent on others.

Hard Limits: Sky Diving

::hehehehehehhe::

This person sounded intriguing from his profile, in that there wasn't anything off-putting in it to me, and in that his vanilla interests seemed compatible, and he's in the same profession as me, and he even mentioned being interested in MTF trans people as well as females.

But I looked up his profile on another site, and from that one it sounds like he really wants marriage and probably kids, so so much for that.

And he lists "veganism" among his "dislikes". Perhaps that just means he personally doesn't want to be vegan, but it does seem a bit off-putting to me.

But heck, I could put "meat-eating" in my own dislikes.... hmmm. No, if I did that, I think I would be trying to send out a message that I didn't want to be involved with meat-eaters, so maybe he really means he wouldn't want to be involved with a vegan. Hmmm. Or maybe not. I guess that shouldn't be enough to keep me from contacting him. But the marriage & kids things is.

I think I'm too picky. I try too hard to find reasons for not contacting people. I haven't changed all that much. I could at least contact him just as a potential friend, hey. Wouldn't that be brave of me.

At the holiday luncheon at work last week, I felt like I did pretty well, socially-wise. I chatted with one co-worker while we were standing around waiting for it to start. Then I chose a table that had a few people I knew sitting at it (as opposed to heading for an empty table), and even took part in the conversations at that table, a bit.

I seem to have this problem where whenever someone responds to my personals ad, which I've got up on a couple of bdsm sites, that my initial reaction upon reading their message and looking at their profile is negative and pessimistic... I feel like promptly responding in a polite but declining manner. Which is definitely not going to help me meet anyone.

I'm not sure if my initial negative reactions are truly warranted in all cases.. or if it's just a bad habit of mine... When someone I don't know talks to me or pays attention to me, my gut impulse is to get it over with and make it stop as quickly as possible.

But most people seem pretty nice once I do chat with them.

But if it says the guy smokes regularly, and I hate smoke... I mean, why even chat with them...? Although I did end up chatting with someone else who's a smoker, and he does seem quite cool.

Sigh.

I'm afraid. Afraid of talking to strangers. Afraid of getting into some situation that will make me uncomfortable.

Hmmm.

I'm too sad to write about what I'm feeling sad about. Maybe I'm just tired. I can't do this people thing. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I see other people interacting, and I want something of that, but I can't do it, and I don't want to do it, and I watch myself not doing it because I don't know how to do it and I can't bring myself to do it and I just want to run away and hide from it all. So on the one hand, I feel like I should feel good about myself for having driven there, and the presentation was interesting, but on the other hand I feel like I was a complete failure. Seeing everyone else talking and hanging around together makes me feel so... uncomfortable or sad or incompetent or alien or... Because I don't know where to go or what to do. When I try to be sociable... by at least standing near the other people, then I feel so awkward standing there after a bit, because I don't say anything, and I'm not a part of any conversation, I'm just listening to other people from the outside, like an eavesdropper. And then I want to go away somewhere alone so I don't have to feel so awkward. I want to close my eyes and shut everything out. But I don't want to be alone even though I do. And I can't change. I've always been this way. This is the only thing I know. That's the only way I know how to handle being around people. And people try to be nice to me and talk to me, but I only answer their questions, and after a while they give up and leave me alone. I don't try to continue any conversation, maybe because I have no desire for it, or maybe because I don't know how, or maybe because I want to be left alone, even though I don't. Because that's the way I handle it.
And how can anyone ever like me or why would they ever want to do anything with me or hang out with me, when I'm so... distant and mute.

My dad has a punching bag in the basement. That's rather neat to have, for whenever you get mad or frustrated, or for when you just want to practice punching and kicking something other than the insubstantial air. He's got a dog that, whereas ours is like a cat, his is like a horse. He's gotten into wine-making. He still occasionally says things which make me cringe a bit at the rudeness, like in the grocery store, after having bumped into one of his wife's friends and having chatted with her for a while, later telling me (while still in the store, where other people might hear!), that usually when he sees her, he ducks into the nearest aisle to avoid her.

He and his wife remind me of my grandparents.

His wife's 3-year-old grandson was over at their house today... Funny and strange, how people act and speak towards a 3-yr-old... he's the center of attention, lavished with exaggerated praise and affection... but he was shy towards me, and wouldn't tell me hello, in spite of repeated coaxing by the other adults. And that in turn made me uncomfortable and shy towards him, although I had initially greeted him... And at that point, I would have had as hard a time saying anything to him, even with other people coaxing me, as he was having. Argh. Shy and afraid of a 3-yr-old...

Old Sturbridge Village was full of noisy energetic schoolkids. I wanted to be able to stand back and observe them... to observe how young humans interact... and just observe them in general. I've spent my whole life paying attention to other things, instead of people. At the airport too, the people looked interesting, and I felt like watching them. But it makes me uncomfortable to give the impression that I'm staring at strangers, so I try not to keep my gaze on anyone for more than a moment or two.

My dad has a sexuality textbook, amongst other books on his bookshelf. He's had it a long time; I think it was there already when I was in highschool, but it never interested me then. Today I saw it, and this time it interested me, so I took it down and skimmed through it. The couple of paragraphs it had on SM seemed totally misleading. But it did show how to use a condom... and some other useful things. Tubal ligation sounds so much better than any of the other methods of birth control. Much more effective, permanent, and fewer, if any, side effects. I've got to look into that. It's my body, why shouldn't I be able to get it done?

It seems like more than half the time, perhaps 2/3s even, after these bdsm-related get-togethers, I end up being sad and crying... weeping, while driving home. Perhaps it wouldn't be quite so bad if I at least understood why I was crying.

Just the stress of being around people? Nah, I don't usually cry on the way home from work. But then again, at work, I'm in my cubicle a good bit of the time, doing useful, productive stuff. And when I don't have useful, productive stuff to do at work, I am more likely to feel like crying...

First of all, I didn't even realize it was going to be an all-out play-party. Which is a bit stupid, I guess, considering that the other times at their house, it wasn't unusual for play to occur. But before, it was never like this, with everyone else ending up playing besides me (and besides her, being the good host that she is)...

And the music... I have to stop having this desire to give people music. It's obvious they don't much like my kind of music... Or if they do, it doesn't really matter, because I end up feeling stupid about it anyway.

And my cornpuffs, my last bag of cornpuffs until I go to Kroger again... normally when I bring a snack, I leave the leftovers for the host, because they deserve at least that much for having gone thru the trouble of hosting the get-together... But this time, I wanted my leftover cornpuffs. And so I focused on the first part of the remark "You can take them home with you if you want. If not, I'll eat them up" and took them. I hope it wasn't rude.

Last year, I wrote...
"eh. / stupid me, i could have gone to a play-party / but i didn't feel like signing up for it. / stupid me.
oh get real. / you'd just be sitting there watching people / and not doing anything / and not talking to anyone / and getting bored."

And it was like that yesterday. On the one hand, it was interesting. Seeing people I hadn't seen play before, play. Seeing the beginnings of a cutting being done. Seeing needles being poked through breasts. Watching someone moan happily and giggle, and eagerly hand him another needle. Watching the newspaper turn into green flames in the fireplace.

But on the other hand, it was a bit boring.... or whatever it is, when one is just sitting there, watching. The sad thing being, that I didn't even have any desire to participate myself (and if someone had offered, I probably would have declined, and then felt bad about having declined). I have no desire to play with them... Sure, I could let someone beat on me, or poke needles in me, etc., but there doesn't seem any point to it at all. I might as well just sit and watch, for all that I would get from it.

The only person I have the desire to do that kind of stuff with so far, is Wododu. Because he affects me in some mental D/s and fluttery-in-my-stomach way. And I don't understand why I might even let him poke needles through my breasts... into my nipples... when with anyone else, the thought of that would bother me too much. But shouldn't it bother me with him, too? He's no different from them; he doesn't really seem to understand either. It doesn't make sense, the way I feel with him.

But yesterday towards the end, with me sitting on the steps and wondering how it happened that I was sitting alone there, while everyone else no longer involved in play was sitting and chatting in the next room... wondering what I did wrong, to end up over here and not over there... but thinking that I didn't really want to be over there, listening to them chat, either...

And thinking, what is the point of all this? And thinking that I shouldn't go to any more get-togethers or meet&greets or munches, when all it does is make me want to cry. And thinking that I'll probably feel different in a few days again anyway (I never feel this way before an event), and thinking that I can't just drop out of the group right now, because then maybe they'd think that I was disturbed by the play I saw at the play-party, when it's not that at all... And thinking that maybe I shouldn't even go see Wododu again, because what is the point of that, either??

Current Mood: stupidly weepy

i have a face that makes people think i don't like them. and my social manner doesn't help. what hope is there for a person like that?

i'm afraid.

i don't want to live in a fascist country.
i don't want war.
i don't want to be afraid of the police.
i don't want to be a sheep.
i don't want to live in a country where millions of people think getting rid of democratic ideals and freedoms is a good thing.

i don't understand why people do these things...

i don't want to live in a country where you can get into trouble at a presidential rally
just for wearing a t-shirt saying "Protect Our Civil Liberties".

i don't want to be afraid like this, that the election won't even be a fair election.

i don't want to think about things just getting worse and worse.

but i don't see what's going to stop it.

and maybe living in turbulent times, with something to fight against,
is more interesting and challenging than living in a peaceful idealistic world.
but i don't want it.
because it won't really be interesting and challenging, it will be dreadful.
it is dreadful already.

but why should i dread.
big fucking deal.
what will be, will be.
what is, is.

i don't want all the other things which have been going on, to go on, either.
sigh......

you know what? this is a bad place. yep. whatever.

people make me uneasy, when i can't understand their motives. when i can't picture the world through their eyes. when it doesn't make sense.

and it's an interesting thought... that people make me uneasy, too, because i fear my lack of ability to communicate myself to them.

i am the quiet one,
the one without words,
without questions.
i am the lone figure,
watching,
listening,
turning to stone.
make me invisible, please;
i don't want to be this stone statue,
an increasing weight of purposelessness and solitude upon me.
i envy the cat
sprawled comfortably on the floor,
or under the table,
or amongst the visiting shoes.
it doesn't have to take part in the conversation,
but still gets to be petted and played with.
it can curl up and go to sleep
without offending anyone,
when the words lose all meaning.

we survived the remnants of Jeanne here with no damage. it sure seems like tornadoes are attracted to mobile-home parks though, doesn't it?

been thinking it might be nice to get my own place to live. but then Forestfen and I wouldn't be able to share the costs of phone/internet/satellite/etc anymore and we'd both end up having to pay more. I suppose I have enough money to afford it myself, but I'd feel bad for her. Because my salary is a lot more than hers. Hmm. Maybe she'd rent out my room. Actually, she sometimes mentions wanting to move because the neighborhood is bad. (But aren't most neighborhoods bad these days, unless you want to live in some expensive walled-in community?) From all appearances, the people 2 houses over are drug dealers.

It's nice living with her, too, because I don't have the background anxiety of having to worry about keeping my job in order to pay the rent/taxes/bills. Even though I do pay Forestfen rent, I still don't have any real fear that she would kick me out if I couldn't.

But I suppose I should move out somewhen and live on my own? Maybe?

But I wouldn't want to rent, since logically it seems cheaper to buy... so I'd probably end up buying some small cheap house (today I've been thinking about mobile-homes) instead... But then I'd feel so locked down in one place, by owning real-estate. Maybe renting is better, just to avoid that.

And then there's that vague vestigial fear of living alone in a house... left over from 3 years ago when someone broke in and assaulted me here. (another reason we think this is a bad neighborhood... but aren't most, these days?) But I think I could deal with that.

But then I'd be so alone...

Sigh.

The neighborhood kids have taken to hanging out and sitting on the log by the edge of our front yard. It sort of bothers me, like my space is being invaded. Kids make me uneasy... well, adults sitting on the log would make me even more uneasy...
but what can one do? Say "Get off our log. That's our property. Stay away!"? That would be mean... If I was a kid, I wouldn't like an adult getting pissed just because I was hanging out on the edge of their yard. And if we did that, one of them might vandalize our house in retaliation... or shoot us... who knows. Gang-members... a kid was shot not too far from here a couple months ago.

If I could deal well with kids... with people... then I could be friendly with them and talk to them, and maybe then they wouldn't make me uneasy. But gosh, they're scary, kids are. You should hear them yelling and arguing in the streets...
I'm glad I'm not a kid anymore and don't have to deal with other kids like that on a personal basis.

our society has problems. but who's gonna fix them? not me, I'm sure.

Current Mood: thoughtful

I do smile. Maybe I'm not as happy and smiley as most other people, but I've never been an overly serious person who couldn't or wouldn't smile. But is it my fault other people don't recognize my smiles?

Current Mood: brooding

and he says I didn't respond nor show any emotion either, during the scene. even though i scrunched my face, which he apparently didn't notice.

what am i to do. that's just the way i've always been. is it supposed to be my fault or something?

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Darkoshi

Darkoshi's Enchantment

May 2025

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Page generated Friday, May 23rd, 2025 12:56 am

Entries tagged with social difficulties

dyes and memories

strangers aren't friendly in this neighborhood, without an ulterior motive

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face memory test

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personal ads, and my reaction to them

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massachusetts

weepery

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the quiet one

abodes

oh, and another thing...

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May 2025

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