Darkoshi

Back in high school, we had to choose a scene from Macbeth, memorize it, and later recite it to the class. I chose one of the shortest scenes I could find, because, while I was good at remembering things, I wasn't particularly good at memorizing long strings of words.

I'm not sure if I ever recited it to the class; as much as I dreaded having to speak in front of the class, I usually ended up not having to do so. I never volunteered to go first (or 2nd or 3rd, or ever), and so the class usually ran out of time before getting to me. (Though in retrospect it would have been good to have more practice at public speaking. And it probably was a tiny bit of a let-down, getting all worked up at having to speak, and then not having to speak after all.)

As with the few other things I've memorized, I remembered it for a long time, because every so often I would recite it to myself. I didn't remember it perfectly - over time, I may have swapped in some wrong words here and there - but could still recite most of it.

Lately I had noticed that I could hardly remember any of it, except the first line. But this week at work, while standing at my desk, for some reason I started reciting it in my mind, and I remembered the whole thing again! The words flowed without a break.

Weird.*

It's the part with the witches talking, Act 3 Scene 5, that starts with "How did you dare to trade and traffic with Macbeth in riddles and affairs of death..."

But actually, reading that link, it turns out that in the intervening years, I had completely forgotten the 2nd half of it. I thought it ended with "thither he will come to [meet] his destiny". But I used to have the rest memorized too. "I am for the air" ... "my little spirit, see, Sits in a foggy cloud, and stays for me." Yep, I liked those parts!

Heh. And now I learn that the scene I memorized probably wasn't even written by Shakespeare. The above link describes the scene as "un-Shakespearean". This page says: "Some literary critics believe that these [sic] scene is way too hokey to be Shakespeare's work..."

Heh, hokey! You stick your left foot in, you stick your left foot out, you do the hokey-pokey and you shake it all about!

And that's another example of me remembering something, but not remembering it quite right.

*It's like how sometimes people's names are easy to recall, and sometimes not.

I'm half-way through reading a PDF book, The Authoritarians. It's about the mindset of "right-wing authoritarian followers", the people who allow right-wing authoritarian leaders to gain and keep power. It's educational in that it puts into words many incomprehensible things that I've observed of some people, and tries to explain them.

I have a weird feeling like I'll get to the end of the book, and it will say "Now that you've read all this, if you believed it, that shows how gullible you are. This was all a psychological test.".

I was curious whether I myself would be pegged as an authoritarian follower or not. I am very rules-conscious. I dislike breaking rules. As a child, I recall breaking rules not feeling fun and exciting, but rather anxiety-inducing. In many cases I agree with the rules, such as vehicular speed limits, or with voluntarily declaring and paying use taxes on items I buy over the internet.

Yet if I disagree with a rule, I probably would break it. I don't consider myself likely to stand up to authority, yet I did in my own way when my company ordered everyone to work mandatory overtime.

The book mentions that children may end up different from their parents based on experiences during adolescence. If they broke rules and found it fun and exciting, that could reduce their respect for authority. If they broke rules and experienced trauma, that could increase their respect for authority. If their parents said certain groups of people were bad, but they became friends with people in those groups, that could reduce their respect for authority.

Based on the first survey in the book, my authoritarianism score is very low (24 out of 180). My religious fundamentalism score is the lowest possible (no surprise, considering that I'm agnostic).

In my case, I don't think I broke many rules as a kid*. But I grew up in a low-authoritarian and non-church-going family, so perhaps that influenced how I turned out. I don't view my dad as having been the "head of the family"; my parents seemed to have an equal relationship. But they separated early on, and I don't really remember much from when they were together. Neither of them seemed very strict or domineering.

*Maybe I did, but it was so early on that I don't remember well. Maybe I ignored rules that I felt were silly or which inhibited what I wanted to do. Did my parents ever tell me not to climb on the kitchen counters, or not to play in the woods? My mom made me wear dresses against my will; I suppose that may have reduced my respect for her authority.

After my aunt died, my mom kept some of her documents. I've been going through them, looking for details to help in filling out my family tree. Among the papers are letters that my mom wrote to my aunt in the years before and after I was born. Reading them is like being able to go back in time.

A few items of general interest:

1970 - a description of what paper plates were; they must not have been widely available yet in Germany.

A surprising statement - "im Alabama gibt es keinen Alkohol" (in Alabama there is no alcohol).
Looking this up, I found that even nowadays there is still one county in Alabama where all alcohol sales are illegal.

Feb 1974 - It cost $9 to make a 3-minute phone call from the U.S. to Germany, and $3 per minute after that. $9 was the minimum charge (that's equivalent to $42.70 in 2013 dollars).
Feb 1972 - It cost $3 per minute plus 10% tax for phone call from Vietnam to the U.S.

Items of personal interest:

I had chickenpox before my 2nd birthday! (I was always under the impression that I'd never had chickenpox, and that I therefore might still be able to catch it. But this means that I could instead get shingles.)

If I had been born a boy, my name would have been "Bryan Patrick".

My dad was stationed in Vietnam for one year, and was over there when I was born. He oversaw helicopter repairs or something like that, and wasn't in an actual war zone or involved in combat.

Apparently I wasn't a well behaved little toddler.

When I was 1 and a half years old (translated from German):
She climbs around energetically - most preferably onto the table - up and down; no dishes, no letter being written, nothing is safe from her.

In the garden she digs holes with D*** (the dog) and heaps sand on him; in the house - oh God - she falls down stairs, bangs herself badly on everything and therefore constantly has swollen bruises on her head, legs and even her butt. She clears out all the cabinets; scatters sugar, cookies, cocoa, anything she can reach; every day she tears the backing of the carpet a little more. She feeds D*** the expensive dog food all at once (normally we only give him one piece of it a day and the cheaper food otherwise). Besides feeding her own mouth, she also feeds D*** bananas and cookies, and the bad thing is - spanking does not help with her, and my mouth is worn out from saying "No, no".

When I was 2 years old:
She eats like a little pig and gets herself so dirty that onlookers are amused - clothing, hands, arms and hair - usually all full of food. She starts to eat very pretty and neat, but as soon as you look away for one moment, she starts to play with the food, even when she's still hungry. D*** always has to be on the leash now or outside, as otherwise she throws him a lot of good pieces high in the air, and shrieks with joy when he catches them.

I am not who I was. I am, and I am not. I do not do the things I used to do. I do not feel the things I used to feel. My memories are only memories of memories, not memories of real things.

A memory of a memory of a memory...
Here in the South as a child, in the evening walking into, or maybe it was out of, a movie theater with my dad and his girlfriend. The vivid contrast between the cool quiet interior, and the *alive* warm humid outside... the warm thick enveloping sweet-scented air and the gentle sounds of crickets; the magical world outside.

But even when I go outside, it's not there anymore, the magical world. I'm not sure it ever was.

Were things really more vivid back then? Is there some cloak over my brain? Or were things really always like *this*, and is it those rare memories which deceive?

something else, something...

what was it?... thoughts flicker in and out... dreams?... what was it?... brownies cupcakes shower tags flowers what what what... oh yes

It was in the 8th grade, when I first remember memories of feeling depressed. Of sitting on the steps outside the apartment, and crying. Playing raquetball by myself, hurling some of my anger against the bouncing rubber ball. But I also remember one time in the 7th grade, when I cried, alone in the hotel room in Cairo, during our school trip. But that memory doesn't have as much an aura of depression about it. It might have been hormones; puberty. It would have been around that age... menstruation started in the 5th or 6th grade and stopped in the 7th or 8th (amenorrhea), and started again in the 9th or 10th. I don't remember any great feelings of depression before the 8th grade, anyway. But was life still vivid, back then? Could it be that crying and feelings of depression brought some kind of chemical cloak down over my brain, which never retreated?

This vegan ice cream line (Wheeler's Black Label) has a lot of flavors. I wonder where it is sold.

The Scientific American website has a lot of interesting articles. I seem to remember reading some of their magazines when I was a kid. I might have had a subscription for a while; I can't quite recall. I do remember the National Geographic subscriptions my dad paid for, as well as a subscription to an astronomy magazine which I believe I signed up for myself. I bought StarLog magazines at bookstores.

I find myself uncomfortable when I read a scientific article and am finding it interesting, and then it mentions animal experiments being done or having been done, as part of the research. I am against animal experimentation when it involves forced confinement, mutilation, induced illness and/or death. If it's not right to do certain kinds of research on humans, I feel it isn't right to do it on animals either. Yet I do find some of the results of such experiments fascinating... or rather they seem fascinating before I realize what was involved in gleaning the information; afterwards it merely seems interesting. I'm not against learning things and improving the human condition, but personally I feel we could be doing research and learning without treating animals as our disposable test subjects. We might not learn as much as quickly, using alternative research methods, but I think we would still continue learning.

It's one of those subjects there is no easy solution to. Some people will always, and perhaps rightly so, give human interests priority over other being's interests. Like, would it be right to deny humans access to certain places such as wildlife habitats, if they require it for their own subsistence, even if it ends up resulting in certain species or groups of animals dying out? In some cases, it is us versus them; there is no way of having every being on the planet thrive without having other beings suffer and die. In fact, even being vegan, much of my current existence - the products I buy, the things I use, the places I go - has probably in some way or other come at the expense of other beings' welfare.

grade 3:
(P.E. teacher): *** is very quiet, however, is an outstanding student in following directions and trying her very best.
(class teacher): *** is an excellent student and a fine young lady. I am happy to have worked with her this year.
(TAGS teacher): 1st report. *** has seemed a bit unsure of herself in TAGS. She often appears very uninterested in what we are doing. She seldom participates in our discussions. I know she has alot to share but doesn't seem willing. Discuss TAGS with her, I want her to enjoy coming so she can benefit from it.
2nd report. *** continues to show me her creative side, but seems very turned off and unwilling to talk about anything we do. I'm trying and I hope she will too.
4th report: *** has grown alot this year. Please encourage continued stimulation over the summer (reading, writing in a diary, collections, original mind benders). *** has a very promising future to enjoy with encouragement from us all. Have a great vacation!

grade 5 (3 different teachers/schools)
1st report: *** does very good work in all her subjects. My only concern is that she may not feel challenged by grade level work.
2nd report: *** is a conscientious, outstanding student in all subject areas.
3rd report: *** is an outstanding student in all academic areas. She is very quiet and seldom contributes to class discussions.
4th report: *** continues to do exceptionally well in all areas. However, she still does not contribute to class discusssions nor play with other children during recess time.

grade 5, psychoeducational report
Reason for Referral: *** has exceptional academic performance but does not relate to her peers, does not show emotion and speaks so softly that she is difficult to understand.
Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children - Revised.. Verbal I.Q. 128 Performance I.Q. 129 Full Scale I.Q. 132
Discussion: *** had been encouraged by the social worker to speak up when she saw Ms. W. Apparently, she remembered without prompting as most of the time she did speak so I could hear her, although it was softer than the average student speaks. Only two or three times during the testing did I have to ask her to repeat something because I could not understand it or hear it. *** shows very little affect and as I recall, never smiled during my time with her. She worked very well in the test situation and her responses were very...

grade 7, part of assessment for placement in TAGS (talented and gifted students) program
Slosson Intelligence Test. Chronological Age: 12-8. Mental Age: 19-1. I.Q: 138.
(English/Homeroom teacher) Numbers 4, 5, 11, and 12 - I cannot accurately answer these questions. She is too withdrawn. *** comes into my room early each day, sits down quickly, and reads without moving until class starts at 8:25.
She never speaks to me or any student unless asked a question.
Unlike her classmates, *** has no friends who come into the room before 8:25 to visit her, wait for her to go to lunch, or stop by after school. She never volunteers in class and never smiles. She does her work without questions and maintains good grades.
We have a positive atmosphere, and since this is an Honors class with more motivation, more ability to learn, and more maturity, I am more relaxed and "myself," so she cannot fear me or any classmates.