Darkoshi

When I'm at home, alone in the house, I'm more likely to yell or scream when something frustrates me, such as the mouse on the computer not working. This is something I allow myself to do... I've had the perspective that it's a good thing to occasionally let loose pent-up emotions in that way.

Whereas when I'm at work with other people around, I contain my annoyance better. I might glare at my monitor, or tap my fingers impatiently a few times, or hit the keys more loudly for a bit while typing, but I certainly don't scream or shout.

But I was thinking this morning, that yelling does not seem to make me feel any better than the other quieter methods do. And actually, the quieter methods may even be less stressful for me. In a way, hearing myself scream in frustration is almost as stressful for me as it would be, hearing someone else do so.

It leaves me with a disquieting sense of not being able to control myself. (Even though I am obviously able to control myself, since I do so at work). But it also leaves me with a sense of being a negative, bitchy person... and I even feel somewhat guilty sometimes, thinking that Yoda, even though he's not human, may feel nervous when he hears me yelling from the other room. It would be embarrassing too, if someone else were to happen to come within earshot of me, without my knowing it.

So I think I shall try to refrain from screaming and shouting when I am annoyed, even when I am alone. I think that will give myself a better view of myself as a calm and competent person. I'll save the yelling for those times when I truly feel like yelling, because I want to, like when I'm singing, not because something has goaded me into it.

.

I suppose one good thing about it was that it gave my vocal cords exercise, which they don't get much of, otherwise.

Maybe these musical insect chirps I hear in the evening aren't crickets after all; that would explain why they sound different.

It's been a while since I've done any singing/screaming/shouting/hollering... with, or without, loud music on.

Emotions in retrospect are easy to disregard.

In retrospect it seems rather obvious, but it's just occurred to me what my fantasies over the last few years have been lacking. And why they don't seem special anymore. They've been lacking the element of love... affection... having someone strongly caring about me, and me caring about them.

A fantasy like that isn't something that my mind can conjure up on the spur of the moment... those kinds of fantasies which I used to have tended to become epics... long stories with many chapters which I would revisit again and again, and embellish in different ways each time. But for some reason, I haven't felt like revisiting my old epic fantasies in my mind anymore. And I haven't created any new ones to replace them.

The fantasies I've been having lately have just been random short ones. The characters in them are basically strangers to me... no real personalities to them; I don't keep the same characters from one fantasy to the next... I don't even remember them well enough to use them again... They don't really care about me, nor me about them. The fantasies are sexual in nature, and I think about them simply in order to get to an orgasm while masturbating.

Yet the orgasms I get from short random fantasies like these don't seem special to me. After I've had them, I couldn't care less about having had them, or about what I was fantasizing about to get them. In retrospect, it's never been the orgasms which were so great for me, it was the accompanying emotions I felt. With my long epic fantasies, after having an orgasm, I still felt warm and fuzzy inside from the emotions. It's the emotions I craved, not so much the orgasms themselves.

Those epic fantasies gave me more than just warm and fuzzy emotions. Balancing the love and affection were other strong emotions including fear, hate, despair, and anger. I craved being able to feel those emotions too. In these fantasies, I was able to experience all these strong emotions while still being able to feel the underlying affection between me and my main counterparts. Being able to imagine all these strong emotions created a much more erotic experience for me, than the short non-emotional fantasies I've been having lately.

..

I was rather moody the last time Qiao and I were together. I felt like crying. Eventually I couldn't hold it back anymore and burst into tears... ran to the bathroom to be alone while I cried. After a bit, Qiao came for me and tried to get me to listen to him... held my face in his hands and tried to get me to look at him...

In retrospect, that experience with Qiao reminds me of a few scenes from some of my epic fantasies. Me, feeling a strong emotion of despair, yet also feeling caring and affection from my counterpart... Even being rescued from the despair by my counterpart. Me, feeling vulnerable and lost, but also feeling the presence of a strong and caring partner. Now that is the kind of scene which I can think back on, and start feeling warm and fuzzy from... it can feel erotic and can make me feel like masturbating. But surely that is an odd thing. I'm sure Qiao wouldn't want to repeat such a scene with me. I'm sure having me sad and weeping doesn't seem an erotic thing to him.

Although then again, the "being rescued" theme is a fairly common one in romances, isn't it.

I'm sad because he doesn't make me feel the way they did. And because even the way they made me feel didn't really mean anything, because it wasn't mutual. People can do things that make you feel all wonderful and special without even realizing it; without even intending it; without even understanding it. So how special can those things really be? It's all just a fluke. Doesn't mean anything. Nothing means anything.

andrewducker was nice enough to ask me some ( interesting questions... )