darkoshi | Entries tagged with d/s

Here is a little BDSM story I wrote, titled "The Question".

(It's not at all long, truly! But it might be slightly NSFW.)

Crossposts: http://darkoshi.livejournal.com/501349.html

I was re-reading something I wrote in the past, about something not being erotic to me anymore because I no longer felt that I was submitting to it, but rather just letting it be done to me.

Upon reading this, it occurred to me to wonder what the difference is in my mind between "submitting to something" and "letting something be done to me". Technically, those phrases mean the same things. Yet there is some crucial difference to me which affects me in a sexual and/or emotional way, so what is it?

I need to think about this further when I have time.

I have the whole week off, so I should have time for it, yet so far I've been busy busy busy. I've washed sheets, and washed clothes, and vacuumed, and shoveled shit, and tidied various things up, and gone grocery shopping, and ordered a tech item for Forestfen, and shopped for other useful things. I still want to rake the yard, finish vacuuming the house, dust the house, cook the rest of the pumpkin, set up the tech item for Forestfen, and various other things.

I'm not going to tell you what I want or need, for you did not care. Your lack of concern injured me. Your lack of understanding, and everyone's lack of understanding; everyone's dissimilarity from me, jaded me. You do not care, and no one cares. I will keep it hidden deep inside me where it is even hard for myself to find or remember it.

You mistook a need for a want. So I decided that you were right, it wasn't a need, for I need nothing. And there's no point in wanting something that doesn't exist.

It's funny how reading a 3-year old temporary chat log file can still make me cry. And that is why I still haven't deleted the file.

Oh, that's right, about the soldiers... it made me think of boot-camp, and why that seems so appealing to some people, in spite of all the arduousness and lack of freedoms it entails.

When one is a soldier going through basic training, one is paid attention to. One is definitely not ignored. If you do something wrong, you'll get reprimanded. If you do the "right" things, you'll get praised, or at least you'll feel good from knowing you did well enough to not be one of the ones being reprimanded, and you feel good from succeeding in doing the difficult tasks demanded of you. Even when you don't succeed, the drill sergeants and other people in charge seem to believe in you; they believe that you can succeed, and they provide you with the motivation to do so. And you know that even when the sergeants are shouting and yelling at you, they aren't doing it with malice... or at least, that is the way it is made to seem.

And you know that the physical activity will result in your body becoming stronger and fitter. If you believe that you will survive and succeed, anyway.

And you know that it is just a temporary thing... something that will feel like a badge of honor, of distinction afterwards.

I responded to a thread on masochism in one of my groups, and about whether one can really experience pleasure and suffering at the same time, by citing some examples of where one can feel conflicting things at the same time. Such as....

One's head may be burning with a fever, yet one can feel chilled
at the same time. Or one can eat hot chili, and wince from
the spiciness, yet enjoy the flavor and/or the knowledge
that one is "tough" enough to handle the heat. Or one can be
outside in the winter, and shivering from extreme cold,
while enjoying the scenery.

Sometimes, whether one interprets something as mainly pleasurable or a form of suffering may depend on what one's mind is more focused on. Or on which stimuli seems more prominent.

So maybe that's all there is to it. That to me, the unpleasantness of overt D/s has outweighed the pleasantness of it, at least with the people I've interacted with so far. And in one case, the unpleasantness of a different aspect of the relationship outweighed the pleasantness of the D/s aspect.

I've decided that the label "submissive" really doesn't fit me well. Rather, I'm a bottom with some submissive tendencies who enjoys psychological D/s play. Not as easy to say, but... better descriptive.

I don't want D/s to be the basis or crux of a relationship. I want friendship, partnership, companionship, and affection to be the basis. But I like D/s as play, as something fun, something which affects me strongly and makes me feel good. I believe I even need it, to enjoy a relationship. When I say "play", I don't mean it can't be serious, and significant, and even painful at times. But I don't see myself as being constantly submissive. As part of the play, I might even want to act rebellious sometimes. But sometimes, I might not want to play at all.

I don't want someone who will treat me like a sub all the time, but I do want someone who might treat me like a sub at any time.

.

I want to be loved for who I am.

When I close my eyes at night, I want to feel sheltered by someone's concern and affection for me.

When I wake, I want to feel that the care & concern & affection is real and tangible, not just something I pretended/invented in order to fall comfortably asleep.

I want to love someone for who they are, not just for the affection they show me.

I want someone who can inspire that wonderfully euphoric feeling in me that has something to do with D/s.

I want someone with whom I can feel comforted by their physical touch and presence at least as often as I resort to comforting myself by thinking about it when I am alone.

In other words, I want to spend more time with my partner, than I spend yearning to be with them. But I guess there would need to be some times of yearning, in order for me to recognize how much they mean to me.

.

I was trying to think of the word to describe a particular relationship, like between my master/soulmate and me in one of my fantasies. The kind of relationship where the one has power over the other... in the fantasy, it was absolute power - life & death; power to read my thoughts and emotions; etc. In real life, I guess it could be a lesser power... But where, like in the fantasy, the other person can look at me (straight through me) in a way that makes my insides drop... makes me lose balance, feeling that power of theirs over me. A wonderful feeling of belonging, of fear, of excitement, of acknowledging their power over me.

I can't think of the word for describing that particular kind of relationship.
Disciple, no. Minion, no. Dominant/submissive, not necessarily. Master/slave, no.
Master/something... maybe. Master/pupil, not necessarily.

When I was young, I used to envision master/apprentice relationships as that kind of relationship. I had read books about apprentices where the master even had the power to have the apprentice put to death, if they were displeased enough with them. And then there was Star Wars, where Darth Vader was the Emperor's apprentice... oh, that was so cool.
But nowadays, the term apprentice just means to me someone who is being taught things. It doesn't so much imply the master having power over the student.

And for the relationship I'm trying to think of the word for, the "master" wouldn't necessarily even have to be teaching the other person anything. It wouldn't even need to be a consensual power-exchange relationship, just one where the one person has some kind of significant power over the other. Such as a captor and captive. It seems like there should be some word for that. Maybe it will come to me.

Having a Dom want me to do those things seems similar to a Dom/me wanting their transsexual MTF submissive to get her hair cut in a short men's style, and to wear men's clothing, and to present as male. While on the one hand, it can seem a great act of submission for the sub to go along with this just to please the Dom/me, it's also obviously going to make the sub feel that the Dom/me doesn't respect their true gender, and actually views them as the other gender, and would really prefer them to be that other gender, instead of who they actually are.

It would also be similar to a Dom/me wanting their non-transgendered male submissive to grow his hair long and to wear women's clothing, or for a Dom/me wanting their non-transgendered female submissive to cut her hair short and to wear men's clothing. Except that in these cases, the sub's physical sex would still probably be quite apparent for most observers, so perhaps the sub wouldn't feel quite as strongly that their own gender, which matches their physical sex, was being hidden/buried. But it would be just as emotionally discomforting for them, and perhaps even more so than for me (since my own gender-id is between that of a man and woman, whereas for them, it would be on the other end of what they were being made to present as).

Submissive females (or bottoms) often have a limit that the Dom can't cut off their hair. At least, I believe I have heard a few people stating that as a limit of theirs. Their hairstyle is a part of their identity. They would feel less feminine and less attractive with short hair. That is the same kind of reasoning as my own gender-related limits (even though for them, they would most likely still be seen as female, even with short hair - so their actual gender would not be in question). So why should these limits of mine be seen as unreasonable, or as a sign that I am not really submissive?

Other than the first Dom I was involved with, no one else has explicitly said that, but that is the feeling I get, of how other people view (or would view) those limits of mine. Which perhaps just means that I feel that hardly anyone truly understands my gender identity.

I feel that the 2nd Dom whom I was (briefly) involved with, understood my gender best. He seemed to treat my gender-id as a positive thing... he took to calling me "boy" (which I was very tickled by)... he even asked if I preferred "boy" or "boi"... he even asked what pronouns I preferred, and he actually used them when referring to me while chatting with someone else! He even seemed to understand that one of my issues with not wanting to gain any weight (in spite of telling me that it would still be wise for me to do so) was because it would make me look more feminine.

Thoughts from a few days ago... and which I want to think some more about when I have time.

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When I think of a relationship between a Top and a bottom, I think of it as a series of temporary scenes. In between scenes, they are equals, and there is no D/s between them. I generally think of the scenes themselves as being mainly physical play, as opposed to containing D/s elements, although I suppose there could be the latter as well. And I think of each scene as being mutually consented to before-hand. If either party is not in the mood for it, then the scene simply does not happen.

When I think of a relationship between a Dom and a sub (assuming that they are in a D/s relationship with each other), I think of it as a 24/7 thing. Once the sub agrees to the relationship, it implies consent to any "scene" the Dom wants to initiate, as long as no limits are broken. Basically, any time the Dom tells the sub to do something, or any time the sub does an assigned task, it could be considered a "scene" from my viewpoint. The sub is not asked first if they feel like partaking in a scene or not; it just happens.

The idea of having a Dom, and having the Dom always being in charge, is erotic for me. But could I find that erotic in real life, or is it something that's only erotic to fantasize about? It wouldn't really be erotic, if I weren't in the mood for it, or would it? And it wouldn't really be erotic, if the Dom were wanting me to do things which I have issues with (and there are so many things which I have issues with), would it? Or, it might be somewhat erotic in the beginning, but it couldn't stay erotic for long, could it?

Would it be possible to have a D/s relationship, and have it not be 24/7, but rather more like a Top/bottom relationship - a series of temporary scenes? In between scenes, the Dom and sub would treat each other as equals. Could a relationship like that be erotic for me, or would I not be able to get into a D/s headspace with someone, if I had that much control - always being able to say yes or no to each scene?

If I could choose whether or not to agree to each scene, then there would be no reason for me to agree to scenes which I did not think I would enjoy. Even if I did agree to such scenes, they would not be erotic for me, simply because I willingly chose to do them; there would be no feeling of being controlled; no feeling of being under the Dom's control, of being subject to the Dom's whims and desires.

So even for any scenes which weren't otherwise objectionable, and which I did agree to, I don't think I would have the right mindset for me to enjoy the D/s interactions. I would not feel subby. It would not feel erotic.

For me to be in a successful 24/7 D/s relationship with a Dom, we would need to be well-matched.

- The Dom would need to seem worthy enough of my respect. We would need to have similar (or compatible) views on key issues - political, religious, philosophical, etc. - for me to *want* to be their sub; for me *not* to feel conflicted about choosing to submit to them in an ongoing basis.

- The Dom would need to not tell me to do things which I dislike or am uncomfortable with, too often. Because eventually, whenever I was not in the mood, these things would not be erotic for me, and would be unpleasant and make me question the relationship and why I was putting up with it.

- Yet there would need to be some cases where the Dom had me do things which I was uncomfortable with, or disliked. Because otherwise, I would not really feel that they were in control of me. And the relationship would no longer seem as erotic for me.

As a sub, for me to feel good in a D/s relationship, I need to...
- have respect for the Dom
- feel a good chemistry between us
- not feel despondent about the future
- be in the mood for it ??

Some Doms say they don't punish their subs for disobedience; that their subs should want to obey them on their own, and if they don't obey, the Dom doesn't want to have to force them to do so... and that eventually, if the sub keeps being disobedient, that the Dom would just look for someone else who did want to obey them.

I don't desire to be obedient to a Dom mainly in order to please them. I do have a desire to please, but my desire to submit and to be obedient to a Dom is more due to the erotic stimulation I feel from it, and from knowing that I'll be punished for disobedience.

It might be nice too, to know that it wouldn't actually be so bad for me to be disobedient, because my Dom would enjoy having a reason to punish me, and would enjoy having an opportunity to try to convince me that I shouldn't disobey again.

If I feel that I won't be punished... or that the Dom will punish me, but won't personally enjoy doing so... that they wouldn't get any erotic stimulation or any mental pleasure from it like I would... then I would not have much desire to continue obeying the Dom or being in a D/s relationship with them, since I wouldn't be getting one of the main things I was seeking in such a relationship.

If my main desire were to please, I could just get into a vanilla relationship with someone. I'm sure there are lots of people who would be happy to have their partner doing all kinds of things just in order to please them. But I have no desire at all for a relationship like that. I don't desire to please other people so much so that I would devote my time to pleasing them instead of doing things which I would get more personal enjoyment from.

There's something about being told to do things which are difficult for me... And there's something about knowing that there will be unpleasant consequences for disobedience... There's something about the idea of this kind of relationship, that I associate with mutual affection and with there being strong, deep bonds between me and the other person.

Someone once commented that for different people, different things make them feel loved. (And different people have different ways of showing their love and affection.) And that if these things don't match up for 2 people in a relationship, that they'll end up feeling frustrated and unhappy.

I don't have much experience with being punished in real life. I can't be sure that I will feel the same way about it in reality as I do when I think about it. And there are a lot of other factors that would also influence how I'd feel about being in a relationship with someone.

I do remember one experience while I was a teen, which thrilled me. It was during a Tae Kwon Do lesson, when I had gotten frustrated over something, to the point of rebellion... that sudden moment when I turned around and saw my Tae Kwon Do instructor watching me *not doing* what I was supposed to be doing.
A moment of surprise, self-consciousness, annoyance, embarrassment, acceptance... an overall magic feeling... and later, after the lesson was over, while running the laps he had assigned me as punishment/penance, I felt amused and somewhat gleeful too. And aroused in some ways, although I didn't recognize that for what it was, back then.

Well, ok. Qiao does push my buttons. Occasionally. It just doesn't happen as often as I'd like. *wistful sigh* I'd like my buttons pushed every week; every day. Every hour. Every... well ok, it might get inconvenient if it happened too often. And I don't mean just any buttons, actually. My erotic button, yes? My "Oooohh. Wow. That was... good..." button. Not just my oh-that's-sweet button, nor my dang-that's-annoying button, etc. I wonder if I push Qiao's erotic buttons. I wonder how often other people get their erotic buttons pushed, and what things push their buttons. Does it happen just from seeing an attractive person? Or from seeing an attractive naked person? Or from thinking about sex?

For me, it usually happens during conversations**. Certain phrases, certain statements.... startle me... make me pause... cautiously/slowly/appreciatively, I consider what was just said or written (like turning over a morsel of tasty food in my mouth)... and I feel a physical reaction in response. An inner vibration, sort of. A good feeling.

More rarely, a person will physically do something that pushes my erotic buttons. But I don't usually react to such things until later, when my mind has had more time to process them. While it's happening, I'm not totally oblivious... it's like a small part of my mind is making note of something significant and bookmarking it for later perusal, while the rest of me is too busy paying attention to the current situation to give it more thought. It's generally not until later when I think back on it, that I'll feel aroused by it.

** ( small sample of a darkoshi-button-pushing conversation )