Darkoshi

grade 3:
(P.E. teacher): *** is very quiet, however, is an outstanding student in following directions and trying her very best.
(class teacher): *** is an excellent student and a fine young lady. I am happy to have worked with her this year.
(TAGS teacher): 1st report. *** has seemed a bit unsure of herself in TAGS. She often appears very uninterested in what we are doing. She seldom participates in our discussions. I know she has alot to share but doesn't seem willing. Discuss TAGS with her, I want her to enjoy coming so she can benefit from it.
2nd report. *** continues to show me her creative side, but seems very turned off and unwilling to talk about anything we do. I'm trying and I hope she will too.
4th report: *** has grown alot this year. Please encourage continued stimulation over the summer (reading, writing in a diary, collections, original mind benders). *** has a very promising future to enjoy with encouragement from us all. Have a great vacation!

grade 5 (3 different teachers/schools)
1st report: *** does very good work in all her subjects. My only concern is that she may not feel challenged by grade level work.
2nd report: *** is a conscientious, outstanding student in all subject areas.
3rd report: *** is an outstanding student in all academic areas. She is very quiet and seldom contributes to class discussions.
4th report: *** continues to do exceptionally well in all areas. However, she still does not contribute to class discusssions nor play with other children during recess time.

grade 5, psychoeducational report
Reason for Referral: *** has exceptional academic performance but does not relate to her peers, does not show emotion and speaks so softly that she is difficult to understand.
Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children - Revised.. Verbal I.Q. 128 Performance I.Q. 129 Full Scale I.Q. 132
Discussion: *** had been encouraged by the social worker to speak up when she saw Ms. W. Apparently, she remembered without prompting as most of the time she did speak so I could hear her, although it was softer than the average student speaks. Only two or three times during the testing did I have to ask her to repeat something because I could not understand it or hear it. *** shows very little affect and as I recall, never smiled during my time with her. She worked very well in the test situation and her responses were very...

grade 7, part of assessment for placement in TAGS (talented and gifted students) program
Slosson Intelligence Test. Chronological Age: 12-8. Mental Age: 19-1. I.Q: 138.
(English/Homeroom teacher) Numbers 4, 5, 11, and 12 - I cannot accurately answer these questions. She is too withdrawn. *** comes into my room early each day, sits down quickly, and reads without moving until class starts at 8:25.
She never speaks to me or any student unless asked a question.
Unlike her classmates, *** has no friends who come into the room before 8:25 to visit her, wait for her to go to lunch, or stop by after school. She never volunteers in class and never smiles. She does her work without questions and maintains good grades.
We have a positive atmosphere, and since this is an Honors class with more motivation, more ability to learn, and more maturity, I am more relaxed and "myself," so she cannot fear me or any classmates.

how can i fall into a funk like this,
even now,
when the first time in like forever,
it seems like someone might really be interested in me?

the funk of noone liking me,
of being unlikeable,
or of having such a faulty interface
that noone can get to like me,
even if i am likeable.

the funk of noone having ever liked me,
of having had no real friends since
i was maybe ten years old.
or the funk that maybe even those kids
i thought were my friends back then, weren't even, really.

the thought that if i haven't ever really had a real friend,
that there is something horribly wrong with me.
i must be horrible.
horrible.
awful.

all it takes is a couple of people ignoring my emails
and this is what happens to me.
i think they don't like me
or they don't care about me
and they don't want to like me or care about me.
and i think that even when i try,
it never works,
so there really must be something horribly wrong with me,
something horribly alien about me,
because i can't do
what everyone else seems to do,
no matter what i do.

it never works;
i'm always alone
and on the outside.

i mean, if even my brother doesn't care,
and he's known me all my life...


and with this person now who might be interested in me,
and whom i seem quite interested in...
maybe it's really that we just see something
in each other that we need...
maybe it's not so much a liking as a simple need...
and then again, maybe it's not even that.

and maybe it's even just outright wrong.
i mean, he's married.
maybe the world will condemn us,
even for just wanting to fulfill a simple mutual need.

but why should friendship or love
be exclusive anyway?
that never made sense to me.

how come saturnian and saturnine mean such different things?

i don't understand this california recall thing. okay, so i
wasn't paying attention... why is it happening? why don't they
want to keep the current governor?

that lj-postcard thing reminded me, i have left-over postcards
from germany. so i think i'll just send them to people...
anyone want one?


at the greek festival today...
i'm so.... *.
around so many people, i'm so... uncomfortable,
although i don't really feel it. i feel so.... unbelonging.
different. sticking out. what am i doing here?
i feel like i could cry... (my period is coming, maybe that's why.)
but, no, don't cry. relax...
i don't feel anything... distracted. trying to blend in. no, not trying
that at all, just being myself, thinking about anything but myself...
looking for things to focus on, my gaze darting here and there.
discomfort is something you recognize when it leaves you.
i could dance to the music... i should dance...
it would be weird. but i should, then maybe i would relax?
thinking about it makes my pulse thud... now i'm really uncomfortable...
relax, it's just a thought... i might dance, but what about my purse?
it's too heavy to wear while dancing, even though it's a fanny pack.
and i couldn't just leave it on the table... what to do?
i can't dance with it. i can't leave it here...
she would watch it, but not if she wanted to dance too...
the music will be over soon. don't get up just when the music's ending;
that would be embarrassing...
thwarted by a purse!!! or maybe not.
relax. let the thought go. i won't dance. just sit and relax. it's
okay now... damn damn damn. this is so uncomfortable, even though i
can't really feel anything but the music and the noise and nothing,
and i just focus on the colored lights and on the little kids playing
and on a person here and a person there, and on this and on that...
and the music's really nice, but it's over now, inside and outside,
so we leave. and i return home to my own little cube of space where
noone can see me, and i'm okay, but i remember... i'm so *.

my god/dess is the trickster
life is a cosmic joke
(a bad one!, you!)

and one of my other names is bellatrix

was doing a google search today and the page summaries on this first page of results was just weird.
like something mischievous got into google's cache and jumbled it all up.

there's someone at work whom i see every not so often
(ze doesn't work in my area)
ze intrigues me... dresses like a guy but seems certainly to be female bodied.
i wonder what zir gender identity is...
could it be an ftm person?
or even someone somewhat androgyne like me?
today i saw zir pass by outside the room i was in,
and ze's hair was cut short, nearly bald!
(wow! like i've had mine a few times...)
i wonder if ze ever sees me and wonders?

even though i sometimes wear "male" clothing,
somehow i don't feel it gives such a distinctive "male" impression...
but perhaps that's just my viewpoint?

isn't that just like me,
to notice someone from a distance and wonder about them,
with no inclination to approach or speak to them...
what could i say,
"you intrigue me. do you mind telling me what your gender identity is?"
whew. what a mouthful.

hmmm. i like the newfound te/tai/ta pronouns
but my previous preference ze/zir seems more widespread.
so which shall i use?
te wouldn't be so good for that story of mine,
considering the main character's name is Tee...

i've managed recently to have a fantasy
where the characters, androgynes, had breasts.
the genitals were still retractable though...
a sassy character, sort of like a multi-talented drag queen...

age...
i'm usually a younger partner in these fantasies.
inexperienced. naive. that's how i feel in real life.
even if i'm this old in the fantasy,
my partners are at least a little older.
imagining a sexual encounter with someone younger than me is odd.
it's hard to imagine someone younger as having those qualities...
experience, confidence, empathy...
even though i'm sure most real people, including people younger than me,
are much more experienced and confident than i am.
maybe it's just hard imagine someone younger being interested in someone older...
erk. although that's what it is in my case, isn't it!
okay, maybe it's just hard to imagine a younger dominant-type person
being interested in an older sub-type person...

if i'm someday 80 years old, (ugh)
will i still feel young and naive?
do we always feel this way?

::whisper::
no, no... i'm not a self-absorbed psycho...
i'm just a... self-absorbed psycho...
oh, oh...
at least i'm not drowning others in my pit of self-absorption.
right?